Transformers: Further consideration.

Aside from being a two-hour-plus-long orgy of giant robots, explosions and giant robots exploding, the new Transformers movie offers something very special to its target audience (American men ages 25-34). It offers COMMITMENT.

Ours is a generation that grew up with nothing to rely on. Our parents are all divorced, we have no hope of pensions, we’re forced to rent until we’re in our fifties. Even the goddamn communists couldn’t be bothered to stick it out to give us something concrete to shake our fists at. Our entire lives have been marked by nothing so much as inconstancy, disappointment and change.

That, and Transformers.

Yes, Hasbro and its various partners noticed us in the mid 1980s and saw something special. They saw a need for permanence, for reliability, for something we could COUNT on. And so a bond was formed between our lost tribe of Gen-X castaways and a concerted and far-reaching campaign aimed at selling us things. The Deal was simple:

We would compel our parents to buy us toys and, in return, the cabal of studios, manufacturers and distributors would never, ever leave us.

When we tired of the first toys, they would generate new waves to accommodate us - dinosaurs that turned into robots, bugs that turned into robots, space shuttles that turned into trains that turned into robots. We spent our youths accidentally snapping the legs off of those robots, losing their guns and hands and learning to see the world through the eyes of a six-story high Mack truck with legs.

Eventually, however, we reached our turbulent adolescent years. We were TOO COOL for Transformers. We turned our back on the Deal. But the Deal never gave up on us. Like some wise Old Testament father-figure, it waited patiently for our rebellious stage to pass. And, of course, a generation of Prodigal Sons returned to find that there were remastered DVD collectors sets of the old TV shows available, special edition versions of Transformers: The Movie (1986), re-released versions of the die-cast metal toys of our youth. We purchased them. As always, the Transformers were there.

And now, as we enter our forth decade of life, we are given a new gift - Michael Bay’s Transformers. Yes, it’s a thrill-ride of epic robotic violence that has energized the men of our generation in one, giant, perfect “FUCK YEAH!” moment of fellowship, but more importantly, it’s the Deal - sole provider of boundless, reliable fidelity - telling us in the voice of Peter Cullen:

It’s time to buy a Camaro.

Comments (4) to “Transformers: Further consideration.”

  1. Apparently the theater you were at must have been showing the Bizarro Transformers.

    [spoilers ahead]

    This movie was so filled with useless characters and subplots, my brain has been actively working to forget them and just remember the 20 good minutes of bot-on-bot crime.

    Please explain why a military base in Qatar was the easiest place to tap into the mainframe. Please explain why after THAT failed (big surprise), we have to watch “Frenzy” scamper around like Jar-Jar Binks while HE attempts to break in. Then we have Scorpinok, whose sole purpose is to kill a handful of survivors from Blackout’s attack, yet instead of picking them off out in the barren desert, he waits until they get cover and a cell phone.

    Now begins the “hacker” subplot. How was any of this important? Why go through all this trouble introducing:

    * Aussie hacker chick and her team
    * Goofy fat black man (apparently the quota for this movie was two goofy, fat black men), his cousin and his momma
    * Adapting, sound-based spider-viruses

    just to determine the name of the fucking file Frenzy was after?

    There’s more that I hated about it, but like I said, I’m trying hard to erase them.

    I agree with some random goon when he said, “It’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen that I will watch over and over and over.”

  2. Your problem is that you paid attention to the plot, rather than noticing that there were GIANT TRANSFORMABLE ROBOTS on the screen.

  3. Eh. Even the Transformers themselves left me wanting more. Part of what made the show awesome was each of the unique characters and their problem solving methods.

    The only development they got was during the big meetup scene in the alley.

    * Ironhide has big guns.
    * Jazz is black.
    * Ratchet fixes thing.

    During the final battle:

    * EVERYONE seemed to have big guns, so Ironhide had nothing special going for him there.
    * Jazz is still black.
    * Ratchet can’t be bothered to fix Bumblebee’s legs or save Jazz’s life. Clearly, he is the worst medic in the universe.

    The Decepticons got no development at all, save a one-liner Megatron tossed at Starscream for “failing him again.” Oh yeah, and “Frenzy is an annoying waste of CGI money.”

    P.S. Ratchet doesn’t care about black people.

  4. […] plane into Iraq, potentially placing our servicemen and women in harms way. On the OTHER hand, Transformers was AWESOME and by placing the V-22 in his film Michael Bay got access to - let’s face it - some sweet, […]